I have something called the BRCA2 gene (found out when I was 18). Long story short, it gives me a 90% chance I'll get breast cancer if I don't take the necessary precautions. Prior to the beginning of this year the youngest person in our family to get that cancer was 33 years old. They (the doctors) advise you to get your mastectomy at least 3 (maybe 5?, can't remember) years before the age of the youngest person who got cancer.
In result, I thought I had until I was around 30 to have and nurse my kiddos (I'm only 22). Then maybe I couldn't nurse the last one, I hadn't really thought about that being a big deal since it was all so far away. Fast forward to this year and my 27 year old cousin found a 1 cm lump in, I believe, her Right breast. That changed everything.
At first I thought I had a couple years before the surgery still, then even thought of having and nursing another kid before the surgery. After praying and contemplating all of this, it just didn't feel right. I decided I needed to have the surgery before my next baby.
I recently scheduled my MRI (the test you have to get before you meet with any surgans to see if you are all clear of cancer as of now) for November 8th. SO... from that, I stopped nursing. My last night was October 25th. I'm not going to lie, it's been a rough couple of days. It makes me really sad to know that I will never nurse again. That this stage of my life is over. That I'll never get to give my baby the best food it could have for the first year or so of its life. It's also been hard to think that the milk I could produce is going to waste almost. But I need to be as empty as possible for the MRI. Thankfully, I haven't had much pain since stopping. Another really nice blessing is that Crew hasn't really seemed like he's missed it much.
Almost the day I stopped, he started teething. He's needed Tylenol at least two times a day and usually wakes up once at night where he needs another dose. I feel so bad for the guy. OH! And we took away his binky recently too haha. Poor baby is going through a lot of changes. He's turned to loving his little bunny now so I'm glad he has something else to sooth him.
Anyways, after all of this going on our family has another trial we are going through (that isn't Internet appropriate). So it is kind of all bringing me down. It makes me feel so guilty for not being the best mom I can be. I'm not as happy or fun and once surgery comes I'm not going to be much of anything! It makes me so bummed writing about it all.
BUT this way I will be ALIVE for a long time!! I won't find out I have cancer when I'm pregnant and have to die to save the baby, I won't have to start nursing then stop abruptly because I find a lump, I won't (hopefully) ever have to have Chemo or radiation and have to be out of commission for months and months like my cousin. This really is the happiest, safest route. The short term thoughts may be down, but the long term are up! This is a good thing. I'm also so glad that I know I have the gene and that I'm the youngest girl in the family so far with it. My cousin and sister do all the hard things before me. I really am blessed.
Hopefully Crew will forgive me for the struggle it is to be a happy fun mom. I will try to make up for it once it's all over. 💕
10.29.17
No comments:
Post a Comment