I have something called the BRCA2 gene (found out when I was 18). Long story short, it gives me a 90% chance I'll get breast cancer if I don't take the necessary precautions. Prior to the beginning of this year the youngest person in our family to get that cancer was 33 years old. They (the doctors) advise you to get your mastectomy at least 3 (maybe 5?, can't remember) years before the age of the youngest person who got cancer.
In result, I thought I had until I was around 30 to have and nurse my kiddos (I'm only 22). Then maybe I couldn't nurse the last one, I hadn't really thought about that being a big deal since it was all so far away. Fast forward to this year and my 27 year old cousin found a 1 cm lump in, I believe, her Right breast. That changed everything.
At first I thought I had a couple years before the surgery still, then even thought of having and nursing another kid before the surgery. After praying and contemplating all of this, it just didn't feel right. I decided I needed to have the surgery before my next baby.
I recently scheduled my MRI (the test you have to get before you meet with any surgans to see if you are all clear of cancer as of now) for November 8th. SO... from that, I stopped nursing. My last night was October 25th. I'm not going to lie, it's been a rough couple of days. It makes me really sad to know that I will never nurse again. That this stage of my life is over. That I'll never get to give my baby the best food it could have for the first year or so of its life. It's also been hard to think that the milk I could produce is going to waste almost. But I need to be as empty as possible for the MRI. Thankfully, I haven't had much pain since stopping. Another really nice blessing is that Crew hasn't really seemed like he's missed it much.
Almost the day I stopped, he started teething. He's needed Tylenol at least two times a day and usually wakes up once at night where he needs another dose. I feel so bad for the guy. OH! And we took away his binky recently too haha. Poor baby is going through a lot of changes. He's turned to loving his little bunny now so I'm glad he has something else to sooth him.
Anyways, after all of this going on our family has another trial we are going through (that isn't Internet appropriate). So it is kind of all bringing me down. It makes me feel so guilty for not being the best mom I can be. I'm not as happy or fun and once surgery comes I'm not going to be much of anything! It makes me so bummed writing about it all.
BUT this way I will be ALIVE for a long time!! I won't find out I have cancer when I'm pregnant and have to die to save the baby, I won't have to start nursing then stop abruptly because I find a lump, I won't (hopefully) ever have to have Chemo or radiation and have to be out of commission for months and months like my cousin. This really is the happiest, safest route. The short term thoughts may be down, but the long term are up! This is a good thing. I'm also so glad that I know I have the gene and that I'm the youngest girl in the family so far with it. My cousin and sister do all the hard things before me. I really am blessed.
Hopefully Crew will forgive me for the struggle it is to be a happy fun mom. I will try to make up for it once it's all over. 💕
10.29.17
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
MY BABY IS ONE.
I honestly don't even want to write this right now because I don't want to believe that TODAY HE IS ONE YEARS OLD. One entire YEAR. Who said he could already be 1? Thats only 17 away from 18 years old. Someone press pause.
Accomplishments:
Crew is crawling and loving it! He doesn't seem to need to walk yet which is totally fine with me. He has just two teeth still hahah but he's starting to drool a lot more so I'm guessing that he is growing some more in there. He is saying words: dad da da, hi dad, mom, momma, duck, book, dang it, and other random things we ask him to say. It's adorable.
He loves:
The bath! He loves books and holding them all by himself. He loves loves loves his dad. He gets SO excited when he comes home from work, its the best. He loves his cousin Aubrey, my mom, and his auntie Chelsi. He loves eating food. He has recently started throwing it which is a lot of fun. He loves his toys that make noise and sing. He dances to them or taps his leg to the music. He loves animals: he chases my mom's cat Winston every chance he gets. He also played with Trevor's brother's dog and loved it so much. He loves his stuffed animals too, he gives them each kisses on their noses. When he kisses them he goes "mmmmmmmm aa!" He also loves to open his mouth SUPER wide when he's smiling haha when you think it can't go wider, it does! It's hilarious. He also LOVES to climb all the way up the stairs. He thinks its hilarious when I don't notice him going up and then see him and go try and catch him.
He doesn't love:
The fact that I'm weaning him off the pacifier. He doesn't love drinking water at all. I have a really hard time getting him to drink anything! So we are pretty reliant on purees and nursing for liquids. He doesn't love when people scare him or loud noises. He is still pretty sensitive, but doesn't cry when he gets upset, he makes this super not nice face. He furrows his eyebrows like I've never seen before. He does it to me a lot and it makes me sad! But it's really cute when he does it to other people haha.
Food wise:
He has big people food and lots of purees still. I only nurse him in the morning and at night. I am ready to wean him off nursing because I need to get some surgery done soon BUT he doesn't drink any water! SO I feel like I have to keep nursing him until he drinks from a cup.
Sleep wise:
He still takes two good two hour long naps. It's beautiful. At night, he is still waking up. Before yesterday, I was going in once or twice a night to give him his binkie that he threw out of the crib but as of yesterday, I'm done with that. We stopped the giving him a binkie and he's actually not doing too bad. Hopefully not having a binkie will help him learn to sleep through the night soon!
He is so much fun. Seeing his personality come out is the best. I love that part of him getting older; I get to know him even more. I do miss a newborn, of course, but I can have more of those!
<3
10.18.17
Accomplishments:
Crew is crawling and loving it! He doesn't seem to need to walk yet which is totally fine with me. He has just two teeth still hahah but he's starting to drool a lot more so I'm guessing that he is growing some more in there. He is saying words: dad da da, hi dad, mom, momma, duck, book, dang it, and other random things we ask him to say. It's adorable.
He loves:
The bath! He loves books and holding them all by himself. He loves loves loves his dad. He gets SO excited when he comes home from work, its the best. He loves his cousin Aubrey, my mom, and his auntie Chelsi. He loves eating food. He has recently started throwing it which is a lot of fun. He loves his toys that make noise and sing. He dances to them or taps his leg to the music. He loves animals: he chases my mom's cat Winston every chance he gets. He also played with Trevor's brother's dog and loved it so much. He loves his stuffed animals too, he gives them each kisses on their noses. When he kisses them he goes "mmmmmmmm aa!" He also loves to open his mouth SUPER wide when he's smiling haha when you think it can't go wider, it does! It's hilarious. He also LOVES to climb all the way up the stairs. He thinks its hilarious when I don't notice him going up and then see him and go try and catch him.
He doesn't love:
The fact that I'm weaning him off the pacifier. He doesn't love drinking water at all. I have a really hard time getting him to drink anything! So we are pretty reliant on purees and nursing for liquids. He doesn't love when people scare him or loud noises. He is still pretty sensitive, but doesn't cry when he gets upset, he makes this super not nice face. He furrows his eyebrows like I've never seen before. He does it to me a lot and it makes me sad! But it's really cute when he does it to other people haha.
Food wise:
He has big people food and lots of purees still. I only nurse him in the morning and at night. I am ready to wean him off nursing because I need to get some surgery done soon BUT he doesn't drink any water! SO I feel like I have to keep nursing him until he drinks from a cup.
Sleep wise:
He still takes two good two hour long naps. It's beautiful. At night, he is still waking up. Before yesterday, I was going in once or twice a night to give him his binkie that he threw out of the crib but as of yesterday, I'm done with that. We stopped the giving him a binkie and he's actually not doing too bad. Hopefully not having a binkie will help him learn to sleep through the night soon!
He is so much fun. Seeing his personality come out is the best. I love that part of him getting older; I get to know him even more. I do miss a newborn, of course, but I can have more of those!
<3
10.18.17
ELEVEN months!
My little angel is eleven months old now (TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE EMOJI). He is such a cute little guy. Seriously, I'm already nervous for when he's a teenager and a lady killa.
He is so smart! He can now climb up, and down (yay) anything. He gets really excited when he climbs up the stairs. He gets really excited when he sees Aubrey and gets to play with her. Their relationship is the best thing ever. Also, he recently just started being super lovey with his stuffed animals. He will give them kisses and hugs and lay on them. It just melts me. He melts me.
Sleeping is going really well. He usually only gets up once each night. I just go in, pick his binkie up from off the ground, lay it on his crib, and he bends down to get it and stays down and falls back asleep. Its THE best.
He also has been REALLY sensitive lately. Like REALLY. He will cry over the tiniest things in the world. Mataya playing peek-a-boo, Trevor throwing him in the air, me telling him 'no no' in a soft voice when he's on his way to climb the fire place or spitting out his food hahah. However, he has THE cutest boo boo lip in the entire world so its extremely hard for me to not laugh or almost like when he cries. Its just so adorable.
We went on a trip to Austin, Texas this month! I was a little nervous about him sleeping in a weird place, about how it would be without a kitchen, and about how he would get his usual naps in. Things changed a lot. Instead of him sleeping in a crib (which the hotel did have), he slept in our bed with us, instead of eating our usual protein pancakes in the morning, he had oatmeal baby food, and instead of two two hour long naps he would take maybe 1.5 naps that were like 30-45 minutes. Even though things were different, he was a pretty happy baby! Because I'm a germaphobe, he wasn't able to crawl everywhere like usual, but he still had fun. We all did. The hotel was super fancy and not really for kids, but we still went in it a lot. I think we were the only family in the entire hotel. It was like mainly for single attractive people in their high 20's and low 30's.
09.18.17
He is so smart! He can now climb up, and down (yay) anything. He gets really excited when he climbs up the stairs. He gets really excited when he sees Aubrey and gets to play with her. Their relationship is the best thing ever. Also, he recently just started being super lovey with his stuffed animals. He will give them kisses and hugs and lay on them. It just melts me. He melts me.
Sleeping is going really well. He usually only gets up once each night. I just go in, pick his binkie up from off the ground, lay it on his crib, and he bends down to get it and stays down and falls back asleep. Its THE best.
He also has been REALLY sensitive lately. Like REALLY. He will cry over the tiniest things in the world. Mataya playing peek-a-boo, Trevor throwing him in the air, me telling him 'no no' in a soft voice when he's on his way to climb the fire place or spitting out his food hahah. However, he has THE cutest boo boo lip in the entire world so its extremely hard for me to not laugh or almost like when he cries. Its just so adorable.
We went on a trip to Austin, Texas this month! I was a little nervous about him sleeping in a weird place, about how it would be without a kitchen, and about how he would get his usual naps in. Things changed a lot. Instead of him sleeping in a crib (which the hotel did have), he slept in our bed with us, instead of eating our usual protein pancakes in the morning, he had oatmeal baby food, and instead of two two hour long naps he would take maybe 1.5 naps that were like 30-45 minutes. Even though things were different, he was a pretty happy baby! Because I'm a germaphobe, he wasn't able to crawl everywhere like usual, but he still had fun. We all did. The hotel was super fancy and not really for kids, but we still went in it a lot. I think we were the only family in the entire hotel. It was like mainly for single attractive people in their high 20's and low 30's.
09.18.17
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